Mio_Mayu's Xanga

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Wed, 24 Aug 2005 07:35:43 GMT

I still haven't beaten Fatal Frame II: Crimson Butterfly yet, but that's alright. Thanks to Tonya I think I'll be able to now. She told me that every time I move away from the viewfinder mode (using the Camera Obscura) that the Kusabis' health regenerates. Good thing I know this now. I went to Olympia today and bought the eleventh volume of Fruits Basket. It was really good reading. I also bought the fourth volume of The Wallflower. I didn't get anything else because I found out that Sunako and Kyohei are forced to be "Boyfriend and Girflriemd" to please Sunako's aunt who is the landly of Kyohei, Yukinojo, Takenaga, and Ranmaru. I can't wait to start reading that. Since I finished Fruits Basket so fast, I guess I'll just have to start on The Wallflower tomorrow...actually it would be today because technically it's just really early in the moring. While we were at Target yesterday...the day before yesterday (now) my mom and I met a missionary from Mongolia. She hardly spoke any English. She had this hand out of the aids prevention program she was raising money for, and a little piece of cardboard with a page of stationary taped to it that had her message written in Enlgish on it. She gave it to us to read, when I handed it back to her after I finished, she opened this binder full of really beautiful magnets. My mom said she would buy one to help with the fund rasing. She told me to pick one. There was a very pretty one with a cat on it and I said I liked that one. Then she said that we should get a religious one for my dad. I pointed to a certain one, but she decided to get the cat one instead. I found out a few moments later that it was for me. My dad was skeptical, believing that we may have been scammed, but I don't think so. Since I want to be a missionary when I grow up, it was a really cool experience for me. I'm going to keep that magnet forever. It's too special to ever let go of. It reminds me of my dream. A dream that I can never forget. A dream that I WON'T ever forget.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Tue, 23 Aug 2005 18:20:26 GMT

I didn't beat Fatal Frame II like I said I was going to. I am, however, going to beat it today. First, I must clean my room....and take a bath. That won't take too long. I can't wait to finish it because I got Fatal Frame yesterday. I bought Fruits Basket Vol.10, The Wallflower Vol.3, and Kare Kano, Vol.3....I also bought Alice 19th Vol.2 a little bit ago. I haven't finished Kare Kano yet, but all the other ones had really good cliffhangers.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Sat, 20 Aug 2005 04:33:14 GMT

I am about to beat Fatal Frame II: Crimson Butterfly is my dad would just get off the PlayStation 2! He should be in bed, he works tomorrow! But no! He had to go and kick me off just as I was getting close to the end. I finnaly got the crests and then he gives me the boot! Err....I want it back! He should be going to bed soon, I'll have it all to myself. I'm taping the cinematic scenes because I love them, but also because Shiann wants to see the ending really, really bad. I might get to see her tomorrow so I'm going to bring over the tape and show her the ending.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Sat, 13 Aug 2005 00:22:41 GMT

I watched Cats yesteday. Ashley (Bond) and Squirrel came over to drop it off finally. Ashley told me that she just recentely moved behind KFC. Now I have even more people I know living closed to me. Natalie comes back from her dad's in two days! I can't wait to see her. Shiann has so kindly informed that Natalie already knows about what I am planning to do because she read my xanga. I didn't think that anyone did. Mom is going to the hospital unexpectedly. She was called and told she had to go tomorrow, but she said she couldn't because of Richelle's band camp drill barbeque. So, they are going over to St. Peter's tonight. They just left recently. Lorilynn is going to pick Richlle up and bring her home because mom and dad probably won't be back in time. My mom's doctor thinks that what happend to her when I was in thirf grade might be happening again. I never did find out exactly what happened, but I do know that she almost did. She had to be airlifted from St. Peter's in Olympia to The University of Washington Hospital in Seattle. I remember going to the nurses office that day when I was called out of class. Richelle was in sixth grade then so dad had gotten her first. I was still at Bordeaux back them. Anyway, I came into that little nurse's office where you went when you got hurt and my dad and sister were crying. When we got home, my dad was so shook up that Susan had to drive us to Seattle in the van. I also remember that everybody was coming up there too. Not all at the same time, but eventually there was a lot of people. I was told later that the doctors were almost positive that my mom was going to die. Susan, me, Richelle, dad, Uncle Ed, Aunt Shari, Uncle Karri, Aunt Pam, and Ray were all there. That night I saw my mom with what seemed like a billion tube hooked up to her. They were in her mouth, in her nose too, I think. We were told that we could talk to her, but that she wouldn't remember anything we said. I went home with Aunt Shari, and Uncle Karri that night. Richelle and my dad stayed the nigh at the hospital. Even though I don't like my mom that much, I could never WANT her to die.

Friday, August 12, 2005

Fri, 12 Aug 2005 06:00:44 GMT

I met someone on Xanga. Very nice person. I think i like her very much. Of course, I don't know her very well yet, but she seems nice. I like meeting nice people. I sent Kirstel a myspace message telling her that I needed to say things to her that I had yet to tell her, recently. I recieved a message back from her today saying that she didn't mind it and that she would believe anything I told her because I was her one and only best friend. I suppose that she is my best friend too, because I have no real best friends here. I don't feel comfortable around anyone anymore. I know that Kaycee isn't my best friend anymore. She hasn't been for such a long time, but I didn't want to admit it. I think that deep in me somewhere, I knew. I just didn't like the thought, and I still don't like the thought of actually telling her, but I have to. I need to let her know or I will be carrying around needless guilt. I know that she will trust and believe me. I trust her a lot, almost more than anyone now. I can't trust people anymore. They can't know anymore about me. I cannot tell my friends things anymore. No more sadness, not for them. I can't let them see it, because I can't trust them with it.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Wed, 10 Aug 2005 10:56:59 GMT

I want things to be different. I want the people I care about to truly care about me. I want them to love me. I know that may not be possible, but I know it's what I really want. I need someone to care about me. I know that is selfish, but it's how I feel. I have always wanted someone to love me and that desire only grows stronger each time I begin to feel as if I am worth nothing. I have begun to crate someone. Two people actually. Itsuki and Shouka. They are here for me when I need them, but they aren't real. They're real to me, but that is not enough. I just need comfort. Something I cannot find in my home. The things I am saying are so selfish in some ways that I can't believe I am actually saying them. If everything could be fixed to where I wasn't so sad, I would be very happy. No one can just fix it. I know I will hurt more in the future, but if I have to hurt more for things to get better, then so be it. I will suffer through any pain as long as I know that the people who love me are waiting for me.

Saturday, August 06, 2005

Sat, 06 Aug 2005 09:03:50 GMT

Sometimes it's hard for me to know what to write. I sent Laura a myspace message a day or so ago telling her about what I was going to do. She said she wouldn't try and stop me, but would wait until I realized that I needed my friends. She said she'd be there if I needed her. First off, this made me mad. She talked to me like I didn't understand what I was doing and that I would eventually come around to see the error of my ways. Let's think about this...I know what I'm doing. I know that's it's probably going to ruin my life, and I know that it will cause some problems for me. Shiann says her mom's going to want to know why I'm not comming over anymore. I can believe this but I don't know what to do about it. I don't think anyone else will be problematic. I think my parents will think it's strange at first, but what can they do? To me it seems that they won't think too much of it eventually. At least, not until it's too late. If they do come to realize that something is terribly wrong with me it will be too late as I have said. All of my friends will be gone. They won't be with me forever, I know that. No one cares for me enough to do that. I wish they did, but people just don't love me. Sure, my parents do, but look where that has gotten me. They say how they love me, but sometimes I think I'm just too much trouble for their standards.

Today my mom said to me "You'd better stop looking at me like that, or I might punch you." I cried. I wanted to be with somebody, but there was no one. No one to call, no one to tell. I don't think anyone can help me. I hope that someone will though. I want almost more than anything in the world to be rescued from all of this. I want someone to come in and take me away. I want to tell somebody my problems. I want someone to care enough to hold me and tell me it's alright to be afraid of my mom. I don't know if a person like that exists.

Sunday, July 31, 2005

Sun, 31 Jul 2005 06:23:10 GMT

Today I spent the greater part of my day shopping for an outfit for my sister to wear to a wedding. The Jazz Band was auctioned off to play at a wedding which is soon and she needed something new to wear. So, naturally my mother decided to get her a new outfit and to shop around for one so Richelle could have a selection. I wish I had not gone with them! It felt like a modern version of slow torture. Now I know this is mean to say, but because Richelle is over-weight she has trouble finding clothes she likes that fit her. We went to two Mervyn's stores, Big K-Mart, Marshalls, Sears, and Target! It was quite horrible and I felt sick the majority of the time because I was hungry. After we finally found an outfit for Richelle-which she likes might I add- we had to get her shoes at Target. That wasn't too bad. It didn't take her too long to find a pair she liked. She got too pairs, actually. A pair of white shoes and a pair of black sandles. I got lucky. I didn't get green sneakers like I wanted, but I did find a black pair with purple pn the inside for $9.99 at Target. They're low-tops, but I still love them bunches. Anyway, after we went to Target I asked my dad if we could go through the Drive-Thru at Mcdonalds so I could get two 50 cent apple pies. He flat out said we're not stopping anywhere. He told my mom he didn't care if I was hungry, he was hungry too, but he wanted to go home. I guess it didn't matter to him that he wouldn't be spending his own money because I had $3.00 of my own. I was kind of mad about that, but it was that important. I was just hungry. Shelton is only about 30 minutes away from Olympia anyway.

On another note, I felt very bad today. I didn't know it was so easy to make someone feel worthless. My mom has an easier time doing it than she knows...than she'll ever know. I came out and asked her how I was supposed to wear one the belts she had bought me from Old Navy. I told her I'd wear them if she could tell me how to use them. She showed me how, but the belt wasn't quite tight enough for my liking, so I decided I wear it some other time when I wasn't going to be standing around all day. I came back out of my bedroom wearing my regular red belt that I have and she started getting angry. She started rambling on about how I was never going to wear the belts she bought me and that we should have just taken them back. She said I should have told her that I didn't like them. When I told her that I'd already thrown the tags away, she was really mad. She told me that I always did that. That I always didn't like the things she bought me when she was just trying to be nice. I didn't appreciate it apparently. I had told her that I liked the belts and that I WOULD wear them. I guess that wasn't good enough because I'm so horrible and undeserving of anything she, or anyone else had to give me. After telling her again that I would wear the belts, she looked staright at me, laying in her chair with her eyes scarier than I seen them that day, she told me that I was a brat. She said how horrible I was with one word. She kept saying that, that I was a brat. After that my dad told both of us to just drop it because I'd said I wasn'y a brat. I couldn't take standing there. I didn't want to look at her. All I could to was cry. My eyes hurt from the salt, but I didn't care anymore. I could hear my parents arguing over my dad telling my mom what to do. She made me feel so horrible. I'm not that bad am I? I know I'm not. I can't be that horrible. I don't want to be a bad person. I know that I don't always do my chores like I'm supposed to, but does that make me a terrible person. I don't want people to see me that way. I never want to be viewed as a bad person. Is that how people see me though? Selfish, only thinking of myself? Unkind and unworthy? I can't picture people seeing me this way, but maybe they can. This is why I have to do what I'm doing; to make it all go away. People say that drugs make everything better, but I know this is not true. My parents will be my drug. By being what they want me to be, all the pain of their words will go away. I know that I'll only be hurting myself though.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Sun, 17 Jul 2005 05:59:46 GMT

Today I woke up very early. My mom had instructed that we would be going Olympia tp pick up our copy of "Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince" at eight 'O' clock in the morning. I was up at that time, but I was the only one. I shot up in bed as soon as the sound of the alarm reached my very alert ears. You see, I had just watched "Saw" the night before and it scared me very much. I don't know why exactly, but it did. There was just something about the way no one knew where they were because they had been snatched away without knowing it. I would never want to wake up and not know where I was. I would be so disoriented that I don't think I could stand it. I spent the whole entirety of the night fearing some horrible creature that I know for a fact does not exist. All the same I was scared and could not think straight. My mind is very good at taking control and this I have come to dislike very much about myself. I am too good at it and I, personally, wish that this ability I have unknowingly acquired would just mysteriously vanish and not return. Many a night it keeps me awake when I would rather be sleeping. During the day it works it's horrors on me as well. To get back to the Harry Potter, I was the only one up at eight 'O' clock this morning. About twenty-three minutes later my dad came out of my parents' room while I was watching "Teen Titans". We got to the mall at about ten-thirty. We accepted some word games and picked up our copy of the newest Harry Potter book. There were quite a few people dressed up as wizards and witches, including the people at the bookstore. I got a pair of free Harry Potter glasses that a women was haning out to people in the mall. They are awsome and I will cherrish them for ever. Maybe I'll put them in my special box because I like Harry Potter so much. I have to admit that I got this extremely good feeling when I saw the people by the bookstore all dressed up in their costumes and, to me, their love for the books and characters themselves. On to other things, I still can't get a hold of Laura. She got my myspace messages but doesn't seem to understand the urgency of them. I keep trying to call her on the phone but it never seems to work out. Though I have said goodbye to Aurora, she will not give up. I told her what I had to do and I feel the need to be angry at her for not leaving me alone, but I know better. I don't want to be angry with her so I will not be. I just wish the she would respect what I have told her and leave me alone.

Friday, July 15, 2005

Fri, 15 Jul 2005 20:46:18 GMT

Things aren't going very well for me right now. I'm at Shiann's again. I know this is my last chance, I can feel it. I have to tell her what I have to say. I told Aurora, I told Kelsey a shorter version, now it's her turn. I just don't think I can do it. What if she hates me for leaving her like I'm about to. Yesterday she told me all these nice things. she said that I was one of her best friends and that I had never left her or ignored her. Isn't that exactly what I'm abouot to do? I don't want to do it, but I have to and there is nothing that I can do. I have to tell her eventually, and if I don't do it now I may never have the chance. she's taking a bath right now, but once she's done I'm either going to have to leave, or figure out a way to get across what I need her to know.